The first day of school has always been a big deal for our family. It's been a time of excitement of new teachers and new friends and new activities. It's been a time of milestones as each child has their first day, their last day of a grade group, their first days at new schools, big age milestones, friendship milestones. I could go on forever with these.
Now here we are at one of the biggest milestones. The last first day of school as a child. The first day of senior year for my sweet Miss Crazy (Nickname from old blog). My very first late in life baby. The girl who can be so much like me at times that it scares me to death. Tomorrow is her last first day. And as I sit here writing about it, I can't get the tears to stop. You see I did something that I felt, no, that I still feel was best for everyone. I left my children with their father. I saved them from having to watch me deteriorate to nothing or even seeing me end my own life when my heart, my marriage, my life made me not want to live anymore
Now I sit here from 8900 miles away praying that they send me pictures so I can see what the first day of school was like for the three we have left in school. Senior, Sophomore, and Seventh grader. I sit here and pray that they realize that if I could have changed things, that if things could have been done any differently, I would still be there to watch them as they leave the car, one by one to enjoy their first days. I would do almost anything to be there for all of the upcoming milestones. But although I love their father for his role in giving me these amazing kids, I don't love him in a husband/wife way anymore, and our marriage was not only poisoning each other, it was poisoning them too. Even if I had "stayed", things wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be the one dropping them off or taking their pictures because I wouldn't be living with them and I don't drive. Worst case scenario, I would be living with my mother or my brother in different states until I could get back on my feet after the divorce.
Someday, I hope to be blessed enough to be able to drop everything and fly to them for the most important days in their lives. Until then I will live with what I've done to them and myself. I will know that even if they don't see it someday, they are better off. Until then I will pray that they still love me as much as I love them and that their school year is successful and fun. I will continue to cry every day, every time I miss them and a milestone and I will continue to remind myself and them that I am ALWAYS and FOREVER here for them. Through phone, video, email, and if they ever need it, a place to go. I may have broken our family, but I also added to it and DJ and I will always consider them our little family, and I hope they can do the same because we both love them very much.
One thing I don't think they know is that if something goes wrong and they need me and their father (or anyone) can't cope, provide for, or treats them wrong, I will go to the ends of the earth to save them. But no, I won't give up DJ. He is a part of our family now and whatever I do in concerns to them, he will be a part of. I know long distance is hard but I also know that love can help with that and we have so much love pouring out of Australia to be delivered to them every day, with every message or phone call, or email or video call.
If I could tell them one thing right now (other than to read this blog) it is this "So, kiddos, have fun this year and be good to your sister, senior year is crazy! And always remember, leaving doesn't mean not loving because I love you all so much. Always and Forever."
Until Next Time...