Updated: Aug 3
I know, I know, it's been a long time. Just when things started to feel like they were getting better physically and emotionally, I realized they truly weren't. In fact things were going downhill even more.
A lot has happened since we last sat down here at my blog and had a chat. In short and not spilling too much info, I have been in a bad marriage since the beginning. And it weighed down on me more and more and more as the years flew by. It seems that many of the people that we knew, had also guessed at what was going on in our marriage. I have received so much support from his and my friends, his coworkers, and many of the kids friends for the story I am about to tell you.
I'm not exactly sure when it happened but lets say about a year and a half ago, my best friend said he was trying to find ways of making the money to help me escape my situation. He was aiming high because I was also wanting to bring a couple of my kids. Unfortunately that ended up not happening and we had to try to think of ways to finance my escape. Then things got real serious. I entered a contest to win airfare to and from a destination of my choice to write a travel log.
I could get to where my bestie was, see if I had the strength to navigate on my own, meet my bestie (see my blog about my much younger best friend,) (although we sometimes said we were a couple because others did) and have the strength to go home and stand up for myself in the form of divorce and joint custody.
As it turned out, the contest was a fake and my hopes were dashed. I told my family about it and the kids were supposedly 100 percent supportive of me going to visit my bestie. My life partner on the other hand was livid. He didn't like my bestie and thought we were having a serious love affair over the phone and video chat. Unfortunately at this point there was no going back. The thought of gaining my freedom from him was my only way to survive. I had lived in fight or flight mode for so long that I was nearing the point of leave and live or stay and die.
In the end, my partner offered to send me with some of his money so I could find myself and maybe fix what was wrong with our marriage. I told him no several times, but he insisted. So I accepted. I admit, at this point, I knew there was no saving the marriage. The abuse that almost everyone but me saw for years, had done too much damage. I couldn't even look at him anymore without feeling fear. His voice, especially when raised at the kids or the dogs every single day made me nauseous. But I believed if he truly loved me like he claimed, he would be happy if I went to find myself and came home and we could end our marriage in a civil manner.
After months and months of back and forth, taking the trip away, giving it back, buying me stuff for the trip, threatening to take it back etc. I was on the plane from my town to the big hub 5 hours away. As the plane took off I couldn't help but say out loud, "This is what freedom feels like." I had been captive in a prison of abuse, uncertainty and trying to keep me and my children afloat for almost 30 years. (And it was failing, my kids were all kinds of messed up because I was nearly paralyzed by the fear and and uncertainty of my life. You see, that day I left my home with nothing but a suitcase, a carryon bag, a credit card with a small limit, and 100 dollars cash. I didn't know if I could do it, Travel 25 hours alone, buy what I needed, and decide to pass on what I didn't. My next stop was LA and I felt my courage and confidence building despite the effects of fibromyalgia that still rocked my body hardcore. Even my flight to my first international destination being canceled didn't rock me. I booked another flight to a different city with a connection to the original one and a new departure time to my final destination.
Now would come the biggest test of all; being on a plane for 15.5 hours. I used to be terrified of flying but now, suddenly, I was having a blast flying here and there. The flight was loads of fun. It was overnight so I slept off and on for a good ten hours and ate a couple of meals. I spent the time reading or watching shows and talking to the nice woman next to me and her daughter.
Lets just say the next five or so hours after arriving in the 'other' city was a nightmare, or could have been if I hadn't had wheelchair help and this new bravery coursing through me. I won't go into details because it's just kinda boring. Before I knew it I was taking off in a little crop duster commuter plane and only an hour away from meeting my bestie in person for the first time. I was so nervous I thought I might throw up. One month away from abuse and spending quality time with this guy was just what the doctor ordered. And on that last flight to my destination I realized that yes, I would be able to handle going back home to file for divorce even if it mean living with my ailing mother or my brother in another state. I had no money, my health had been neglected and I hadn't worked in many many years and the fibro makes my conditions for working very specific. The marriage would leave me destitute. (Or so I thought until I found out how many people had known what was going on all along and offered to help but that comes later in the story.)
Anyway, now we get to the best part; the shocking part to everyone, especially me and my bestie. I had walked on the plane to my final destination shaky and exhausted and praying that my bestie liked me in person as much as he did long distance. By the time I stood up to exit the plane, I told the flight attendant that I no longer required a wheelchair and that I could handle the small airport all on my own. As I walked into the building I caught sight of my bestie and his brother. My heart did this weird kind of flip flop that it had never done before. I opened the door and walked in, approaching my bestie and the minute our eyes met, I knew for sure that somewhere along
the line, I'd fallen in love with him. I'd had thoughts that I might have, we even acted like a couple most days, but I had always denied it. It couldn't be true because he was so much younger than me. Everyone else had seen it. But that late afternoon when our gazes first met, I knew I was in for the ride of my life. And possibly the biggest heartbreak.
That night, we stayed at his parents house. The plan had always been that we would share a bed. We were just friends after all, right? (At least that's what we said to each other.) That first night he and
I piled into a bed and his little brother slept on an air mattress nearby. We stayed up laughing and talking until my eyes were about to burst from lack of sleep. I finally dozed off in his arms. (Nowyou have to remember this was the guy who didn't do hugs or physical affection.) That whole night we were touching in some way or another, and no not sexually, just affectionately. The next morning I knew we needed to talk about what was going to happen. And we did, the first minute we had alone. This love had surprised us both but also made so much sense. We worked it out to where we'd fallen for each other about two years prior, about six months after he and my daughter stopped seeing each other. We decided to test things and see how they went. Maybe I would be going home to get a divorce and coming right back to be with him, or maybe we would decide our differences were too great.
About a week into my trip my partner and I got into a fight over something our daughter wanted to do and in typical hot and cold fashion, he told me not to come home and that I had better have someone to pick me up where my flight ended 5 hours away. For me, that was the last straw. There was no way I could go home to stay. My future was here in this strange country with this man who treated me like I mattered and loved me with all his heart. My partner did the hot cold thing again and said he wanted to keep talking and see if there was anything left. So, I agreed even though I knew it was over. I agreed because I was afraid, because I wasn't yet mentally able to handle his wrath that I new would come.
Fast forward a few days. I was planning to call my partner and my kids and tell them that I had decided to come back to Australia after a divorce. He had suddenly started treating the kids well and was letting them do everything we never would as a couple. I knew, at least for the time being they would be safe with him. If that ever changed, I would do anything in my power to get them to safety even if it wasn't with me because they all have lives there that would be too hard to leave. Well, I didn't get the chance to make that call that night. Someone had spilled the beans that DJ and I were becoming more and more involved and they wanted to make sure I was actually divorcing my partner. So, everything came out too soon and in the wrong manner and it was a shit show.
Now, my kids will barely talk to me and have lost all trust in anything I ever said to them. I could understand being mad, heartbroken, upset, but from what I'm hearing from back home, some of the lies going on about me are getting out of hand. Yes, I have lost quite a few "acquaintances" but I also have many that I thought would be turned against me rooting for me and sharing their experiences with my situation with me. I don't care what everyday people think of me, but I do care what my kids think and I hope someday they realize what really happened and that I love them more than anything.
I did have to stay in the other country and give up my trip home because it would make moving here and getting visas easier. I hated not being able to say goodbye properly to them, but right now my mental health has to be number one or I will have nothing left to give them.
At the beginning of June I went from homeless, broke, medically ignored, with only one friend left to my name to now at the beginning of August with a man who adores me, shares his wealth, his doctors, and his friends and family with me. My fibro has also improved. I went from being abused and manipulated to loved and wanted. I'll take that. I really do miss my kids and my dog like crazy. I still cry over them every day. But they are old enough to decide where they want to be and they know they are always welcome with me. And for now, that has to be good enough.
P.S. My bestie and I are engaged to be married as soon as my divorce is final!!!
ALL INFORMATION ABOVE IS MY OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. IT IS NOT MEANT TO DISPARAGE ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH ME.
*Copy from https://take2brokenblog.wixsite.com/take2blog*